Have you ever lied? Likely a stupid question. What about lying by omission?
We all know lying is wrong but can telling the truth hurt too? Of course it can. It hurts the way love hurts, I guess. Someone recently told me there is truth to be seen in the lies people tell. In a black and white world, a lie is wrong despite the content or why we feel the need to speak it. In a gray world, the lines become blurred. I wonder how important it is to share every single thing happening in my life with those who love me; is on the spot reporting required? How about those who don’t know me? Should I be an open book even if the book stinks at times? Must I share all my drafts or can I clean it up first, make sure it’s actually what I want and need to say? Can I spend time choosing the right words? Can I string them together perfectly before I dump them in your lap? Should the book of my life be written by me or by those who insist that I spill the beans, lay it on the line, expose my dirty laundry, and rip open my heart? Spilling the beans can create a mess. Laying it on the line can be scary. Exposing dirty laundry can be embarrassing. Lastly, ripping open my heart just plain hurts. Once you put it out there it’s hard to take back.
Sometimes I wonder about the truth; I don’t understand it. Am I lying while I figure it out? I don’t think so. In those cases, the truth is white, a blank space in my whirling dark mind. Was Jamie Lynn Spears lying before she came clean about her teenage pregnancy or was it simply not our business? Do I have to tell you everything that happens to me even before I understand it myself or decide what to do about it? Lots of questions, I know.
I had an unplanned pregnancy as a young adult. I also chose to have my baby. It just so happened that I wasn’t obviously pregnant until nearly eight months into it. I wasn’t trying to hide it. I wasn’t lying. It was just plain hard to deal with. Quite a few crude and rude college crowd comments regarding unwed mothers, white trash, and tainted wedding dresses were made by snickering, unsuspecting folks while I sat quietly holding my tongue. I knew they would eventually see the truth; I prepared myself but I wasn’t ready. Was I lying by keeping my mouth shut, allowing them to go on with their stories of shot gun weddings and sleazy girls? No one expected me, a middle class, straight A, college student raised in a southern church pew to be single and pregnant. Guess what? Life if full of surprises, and frankly, I prefer it that way.
Sometimes life throws unanticipated curve balls – something hard comes at you from a new direction, twisting and turning as it approaches at incredible speed. The best we can do is shift as quickly as possible to avoid the pain of being smacked between the eyes. Sometimes entire worlds are shifting. Sometimes it happens in slow motion and sometimes it happens in a split second. However it comes, it’s blurry, like the past, present and future morphing into something we didn’t think it was at all. We would love to consider everyone else in the room but sometimes it’s just not possible. Does that make us selfish? I believe it makes us human.
So now I’m all grown up with a beautiful, mentally gifted nineteen-year-old daughter. What would the world be without her? What would I be? She handed me my heart on her way into this world. At the time I wrote:
Came at the end of my rope,
The cord that held us together,
Baptizing pain tore us apart,
Into my life she shines,
Like God’s bright eyes,
Upon the sinner.
Salvation comes in many forms and I know now that I hit a home run. We all must choose what’s right for us and when. Sometimes the choice is unconventional and controversial but if that’s the brightest, rightist road we see, are we to turn away? Are we supposed to lie about who we are and what we need? And are we lying while we decide, while we wait for the blur to clear? Jamie Lynn Spears has a tough path ahead but her road belongs to her; I won’t judge the mistakes or choices involved. For me, it couldn’t have happened any other way. If you think so, you don’t know me at all. It was wrong but it was right. Bad but good. Please make your way in life and I’ll make mine. My road may be twisted, too narrow in spots, and wide as hell in others, but I can’t turn back. That would be a forfeit.